Before Time Began, there was the Fritter

Before time began, there was the Fritter. We know not where it comes from, only that it holds the power to create worlds and fill them with life. That is how our race was born. For a time, we lived in harmony. But like all great power, some wanted it for good, others for evil. And so began the war. A war that ravaged our planet until it was consumed by death, and the Fritter was lost to the far reaches of space. We scattered across the galaxy, hoping to find it and rebuild our home. Searching every star, every world. And just when all hope seemed lost, message of a new discovery drew us to an unknown planet called... Earth.

Don't you ever talk about my fritters. You don't know any of my fritters. You don't look at any of my fritters. And you certainly wouldn't condescend to eat any of my fritters. So you just stick to the things you know: cruellers, chocolate frosting, your father's sprinkles, and your poor, rich drunk mother eating barbarian cream!

Seven Pound Fritters.

I was banging 7 pound fritters, and finishing them. Because that's how I roll.

They call me Spooky. Spooky Mulder

I'm the key figure in an ongoing government charade, the plot to conceal the truth about the existence of apple fritters. It's a global conspiracy, actually, with key players in the highest levels of power, that reaches down into the lives of every man, woman, and child on this planet, so, of course, no one believes me. I'm an annoyance to my superiors, a joke to my peers. They call me Spooky. Spooky Mulder, whose sister was abducted by bakers when he was just a kid and who now chases after frosted green donuts with a badge and a gun, shouting to the heavens or to anyone who will listen that the fix is in, that the sky is falling and when it hits it's gonna be the shit-storm of all time.

Do you like Fritters?

Do you like Fritters?

Yes.

Well, I got her number. How do you like them Fritters?

Thirty Seven!

My girlfriend ate thirty-seven fritters!

(In a row?)

Thanks to BKK, the official Bastard of SDOT

Nothing was more profitable

Of all the pastries in the vast Soviet arsenal, nothing was more profitable than Applemat Fritterkova model of 1947. More commonly known as the AF-47, or Fritter. It's the world's most popular pastry. A food all eaters love. An elegantly simple 9 ounce amalgamation of diced apples and batter. It's good broken up, covered in jam, or overheated. It'll taste great whether it's covered in mud or filled with sand. It's so tasty, even a child can eat it; and they do.